Valentines Love Letter - How to learn to love yourself & heal from toxic relationships.
First & foremost Happy Valentines Day! Has it been a tough year romantically? I’m here for you lets get into it.
Relationships by definition are defined as: ‘the way in which two people or more connect, it is the state of being connected’. So relationships fulfill the human desire to feel connected. This is a natural instinct that we all share so how can / do relationships so commonly become toxic. My belief is this; unhealed trauma & feelings of insecurity.
When someone is living with unhealed trauma they commonly project that pain on to others. Those who suffer with insecurities unconsciously want everyone around them to feel as bad and as insecure as they do. Insecure people insert their insecurities onto others. Now all of us carry our own trauma and for sure would have played the role of the projector at times in our lives. This is why many of us invest in our emotional well-being & mental health, so we can show up as the best possible version of ourselves and develop / form more abundant, meaningful relationships.
As you are reading this blog post I know you are in a position where you want to do the work to be the best possible version of yourself. If you take nothing else away from this article please take this away, “your love for a person with toxic traits will not counteract their lack of self love” - Lily Collins’s , “unfiltered”. A book I highly recommend, particularly if you are healing from a toxic relationship with another or with yourself. In order to be in a healthy loving relationship, self love on both sides is crucial.
In this post I have broken down simple effective ways you can heal from past toxic relationships and how you can practice self-love.
BE MORE YOU
When you find yourself in a toxic relationship you find yourself being reduced. You are made to feel less than, incapable and unlovable. These things are absolutely not true – and you must believe this. These statements sound so cheesy but you really have to believe that each and every human being is unique and has a gift; this includes you. You need to rediscover your uniqueness and the gifts you can offer this world. If your reading this struggling to find reasons why you are unique and what your gifts are. Reconnect with friends, family, look at pictures past and present. Sit down with a coach and unpack and unpack until you find out what you can do to feel more you. Investing in your emotional health is the greatest gift you can give yourself.
LIVE ALIGNED TO YOUR CORE VALUES
Stand for nothing fall for anything. When we have a clear set of core values that we live by and implement into our daily lives you will have a clearer understanding of not only who you are, but what you stand for. When you make a habit of not just saying these values but implementing them into your daily lives. Well then, you have just raised the bar. When you treat yourself with the love and respect you deserve, you won’t allow yourself to be treated in any ways that undermine you, your core values and beliefs. Once we tap into our core values, we have a better awareness of who we are and what we will stand for. Be the energy you want to attract.
Core Values – write them down…3, 2, 1 go…
Learn to Love Selflessly
Love can sometimes feel very transactional and for me this is the lowest form of love. Within most relationships a big cause of arguments is finances. We all need money that’s a fact. However in our most intimate private relationships, spouse, parents, family we must try and avoid making it feel transactional. That’s why those simple, thoughtful acts and gestures are so valued. They were done from a place of nothing but love. How many times do you hear yourself (I did this A LOT my poor partner this version of me is not fun and when she comes out I catch her) saying these words, ‘it’s always me…’. ‘I’m the one who always…’. We have to learn the art of loving selflessly, without expecting anything in return. If you are kind, genuine & loving don't change. However, set healthy boundaries that protects your energy. And remember, you can't expect everyone to be like you.
What did you learn from the toxic relationships in your life?
It can be very uncomfortable revisiting toxic relationships in your life. Shame, humiliation, guilt, sadness all these awful feelings arise. However, if you don’t bring them to the surface they will live inside you. When toxic feelings are kept inside just simply blocked, ignored, numbed out. When feelings are not addressed they live inside you and creep into the subconscious mind. Then you unconsciously repeat toxic behaviors, patterns and cycles.
Be brave and go on the healing journey.
Know the 5 Love Languages:
1. Acts of Service
2. Physical Touch
3. Quality Time
4. Words of Affirmation
5. Receiving Gifts
Rate each area in terms of which ones mean the most to you and communicate that to your current or next partner. Most importantly communicate it to yourself. If words of affirmation is highly ranked. Start practicing positive affirmations and talking to yourself using positive language. Acts of service; show up for yourself go for that run, wake up when your alarm goes off, meditate. Stop breaking the promises you make to yourself. Physical touch, give yourself a loving squeeze, do some yoga and / or stretching. Whatever you think will work, go for it! Receiving gifts, treat yourself (in moderation). Sometimes we use material things to cover up what we are feeling. For me I love the simple things a little slice of cake with my coffee always is my little gift to myself on a weekend. Quality time. Spend some time with yourself. Can you do that? It’s amazing how many people cannot be alone. If you don’t like being with yourself, do you think others will enjoy being around you? Practice being alone, no distractions. During COVID I rediscovered my love of painting. I now have a stack of painting materials and a craft box so if everyone’s out I quite often sit and paint whilst listening to, ‘chilled house vibes’. I don’t get to do it often truthfully but when I do oh my word it’s the epitome of spending some quality time with yourself! So give it ago. Practice the 5 Love Languages on yourself.
Key Take Aways
Happy healthy loving relationships start when you love yourself
You cannot change or fix someone else
You can only control what you can control. The things you cannot control you have to make like Elsa and ‘Let it Go’
Set healthy boundaries in every relationship you have. Make sure you learn to prioritize & show up for yourself
Know who you are know your core values and learn your love language
The better the understanding you have of yourself the more effectively you will be able to communicate your needs.
Healthy communication is key do not allow someone to invalidate your feelings
There’s no shame in not being perfect. No one is. Recognize your flaws, own your past mistakes and take charge of how you can monitor your own behavior moving forward
What you think you become.
What you feel you attract.
What you imagine you create.
Any comments, questions or enquirers please hit the contact me button.
Sending you Guys Love & Light,